they’re just pants, douchebag

Some days, there just isn’t enough duct tape in the world to hold the pieces of my head together.

$54 Million ‘Pants’ Lawsuit Headed Back to Court

Here, let me make this as simple as possible.

THEY’RE PANTS.

They’re not worth $54 at this point, much less $54 MILLION.

Hey, D.C. … if you want to save some time, I get paid next Friday. I’ll take this waste of human life to Nordstrom and buy him any pair of pants he wants. You just pay me what it would take to hear his appeal and we’ll call it even.

oh, here it goes again

How many of you remember the douchebag lawyer and judge in Washington who sued the dry cleaners for $67 million over a pair of pants?

Wisely, a judge sent him packing with a big, fat “fail” after it was determined that just because you have the money to sue doesn’t mean you have the ability to win. Oh, and you look like a giant wiener when you cry on the stand about PANTS.

That was last year. It’s nice to see it took at least 365 days before another douchebag lawyer decided to try his hand at the same lawsuit.

Charleston attorney sues over missing pants

J. Tapdancing. C.

(Here’s where I aptly point out, if you’ve clicked on the story link, that this lawyer has a standalone mustache, and you KNOW how I feel about standalone mustaches.)

Now, I’m not saying that you shouldn’t be able to have things “made right” if a dry cleaner loses your clothes. God knows I’ve had my share of unpleasant dry cleaning experiences. And, maybe, it’s just my nature to roll over and take it, but it never crossed my mind to call a lawyer to get the cash register of justice warmed up.

And people wonder why West Virginia’s a judicial hellhole? Yeah, you, Mr. Big Shot Lawyer at a Big Firm suing a mom-and-pop dry cleaner? You’re part of the problem. I hope you’re proud of yourself. Why the hell would anybody WANT to open a business in West Virginia if they’re going to be tied up in litigation over a freaking pair of pants. I’m willing to bet you’ve got more than enough to buy a new pair without batting an eye.

Principle? What’s that you say? The principle? Oh, yes, silly me. The principle of making someone pay for wronging you. I understand. And to an extent, I agree. I mean, I have to imagine this was as traumatic for you as someone, say, running over your child or shooting your cat. I know that when I can’t find my socks after I go to the laundromat, I really want to make those bastards pay. I wanna make those bastards pay up right!!

Remember … when you’re on the stand, cry. Oh, and if you get your head out of your ass and you want to spare yourself, and your state, some embarrassment, e-mail me. Link’s easy to find. I’ll buy you a new pair of pants. And you won’t even have to cry. And maybe on the way home, we can stop at McDonald’s. Just remember that you’re really allergic to cheese, so order a Quarter Pounder and make sure to NOT CHECK IT so we can sue them for about $15 million after you eat your cheeseburger in the dark.