Hello. It’s been a long, long time since we’ve seen each other, but you know how that goes. Turns out I got a job offer far away from the friendly confines of Kanawha County and I haven’t had any reason to come see you. I know, I was a really good customer. I rented a ton of stuff from you during the cold winter. But then spring arrived, I moved and I knew our relationship couldn’t continue. Rather than just break things off with you, I abandoned you. I figured you’d just go away quietly.
But like any bad relationship I’ve had, you don’t go away quietly. Sure, you go away. You even disappear. But then you rear your ugly head once more.
After all of our years together, I’m stunned to find out you don’t even know me at all. For you to accuse me of trying to hold on to a copy of ANY movie starring Katherine Heigl tells me you never listened to a word I said. And what’s even worse was you never even called me to accuse me. You had a cold, emotionless nasty gram sent to me asking for your DVD back.
Well, Blockbuster, I’m here to tell you … I don’t have your stupid DVD. I don’t know who has your stupid DVD. It’s someone who obviously thinks a night well spent involves vapid chick movies.
Now, before you call me out on my rentals of all three Amy Fisher movies, just know I’ve never rented a movie that involves Meredity Baxter Birney or the phrase “Not Without My Daughter.” Just because I spend lazy Saturdays watching Lifetime Movie Network doesn’t mean I’d ever have the desire to pay for a new release.
Again, it’s like I said — It’s like you never knew me at all.
So, understand that demanding the return of something I don’t have will get you nowhere. In fact, you should be thanking me for preventing someone else from having to watch that movie. But you won’t thank me. You never did.
I miss you, but only when there’s nothing on TV. I know I have one of you just down the street, but it won’t ever be the same. Nothing compares 2 u.
Love (but tinged with hate),