Archive for the 'News' Category

10
Feb
09

ah, almost. again.

marioncrack

For those of you playing along at home, that picture above is a still from surveillance footage of then-Washington, D.C., mayor Marion Barry smoking crack. This little mishap is also responsible for the single most memorable quote of his political career: “Bitch set me up.”

So, you could imagine my joy when I learned that I could be that bitch, but it would have been, “bitch posted up.”

A couple of weeks ago, one of my co-workers asked me if I wanted to play in a charity basketball game that would be D.C. media types against the city council. I jumped at this chance. Why? Because despite his shady previous dealings, Marion Barry’s still a D.C. city councilman for the Eighth Ward. This … was my chance. This was MY chance to stuff a living legend as he went to the hoop. Nevermind I’m probably a few inches taller than he is. Never mind that he’s got, oh, almost 40 years on me. This was my time in the spotlight. A story to tell my kids.

“Yeah, back in 2009, Marion Barry cut left toward the basket and your Mom here threw up an arm and blocked his shot.”

Oh, but no. No, Jacque. Your chance to stuff Marion Barry is gone, relegating you to another event in your life that’s marked with the word, “almost.”

Feds want Marion Barry jailed

GAH!! Not paying taxes? Really? You forgot. That’s cool. I did once, too. Oh, wait. You forgot eight times? Woof. Yeah, that’s not going to be easy to get out of quickly. You’re probably hosed. This time, the 1040 set you up. Bad.

I’ll keep you posted in case someone springs him from the pokey and the dream comes back to life. But for now, I just have to stare up at the ceiling and think about the almost.

09
Feb
09

i love you, New York Post

ahole

Seriously … could that be any better? I’m not sure it could.

26
Nov
08

i love you, wheeling

I love Wheeling in all forms. Maybe because it was the first real “city” I knew. Maybe because it’s where I got my start on this crazy newspaper path. Maybe because it’s like no other place on earth.

Today’s blog post is dedicated to two screen grabs from the local media.

Award for “Best Headline of the Week”

Wait … Sensei?!

BOW TO YOUR SENSEI!!

Death isn’t funny. However, the word “sensei” in a headline? Comedy gold.

And next, the award for “Most Unfortunate Web Illustration”

I realize there’s no really good way to illustrate child pornography. I get that. I also get that it’s probably hard to illustrate “Mom’s-Basement-Dweller Should Be Killed By Rabid Pack of Wolves.” But come ON, WTRF. Really? Really? This is what you’ve got. You illustrate your child porn store with a picture of a child … holding a teddy bear … wearing a night shirt. I’d try to avoid this one down the road. Maybe no illustration. Or a picture of Mom’s-Basement-Dweller himself. Just a thought for next time.

04
Nov
08

what the hell, Kanawha county?

First it was a ham and now it’s THIS?

That’s right. A space heater.

From today’s Charleston Daily Mail:

Man accused of beating estranged girlfriend with a space heater

Doesn’t anybody just beat each other with some good ol’ fashion ambition and a bottle of Old Crow anymore? When did the need for random, ill-conceived objects come into play?

27
Oct
08

can someone translate?

I found this letter to the publisher on PutnamLive.com, which is one of my favorite Web sites in the world. It’s based in Hurricane, W.Va., and published by a guy who routinely inserts snide, pointless commentary into his pee-your-pants funny “news” stories (namely against his political “enemies” or anyone he feels has wronged him, and it appears, well, that EVERYBODY has wronged him). It’s not really credible. It’s more entertaining than anything. If you’re in need of a pick-me-up, I highly recommend his questionably-mentally-stable blog about how the city built a Wal-Mart next to his house. (My favorite passage ever is this: A note to politicians: The next time I am awakened at 3:33 a.m. I will consider CALLING YOU TO EXERCISE MY FIRST AMENDMENT RIGHTS TO REDRESS MY GOVERNMENT FOR GRIEVANCES… And the First Amendment doesn’t preclude a call at 3:33 a.m. If you continue to allow my family to be disrupted at 3:33 a.m., I will consider calling you THEN and complain. If you don’t like that, at least I am warning you IN WRITING, IN ADVANCE!)

Whaaa? My Constitution must be broken.

(Note to publisher in case you see this and get some bright idea to try to sue me: I have two cats, a busted up Toyota Camry and some broken lawn furniture. That’s about all you’d get out of me. It wouldn’t be worth your time. It isn’t like I’ve got thousands of readers. And, hey, it’s you who puts it out there for the world to read, right?)

So, I saw this letter to the publisher about the mayor of Hurricane, who is one of the publisher’s “enemies” so naturally, it gets published without any efforts to try to track down the mayor’s side. However, because of the absolute trainwreck of spelling and grammar, I can’t really figure out what she’s saying. I turn to you …

Hurricane Mayor Scott Edwards Is A Disgrace
I am ashamed to say that he calls himself the mayor, what a disgrace. This man came flying around the front of Arby’s trying to beat me to the drive thru and came to close for comfort, if I had not slammed on the break, we would have not been so lucky, Saturday Oct. 18th afternoon. I paid no more attention to the idiot until he whipped around the other car that just placed his order and parked caddie corner in front of him. The elderly gentlemen honked his horn (in his head to say move on or what are you doing) But this rude and crude and not so big as he thinks man jumps out of his black shiny Suburban all red face and shouting to this elderly gentlemen who was the driver he jump in front of asking him to step out of the car for a fight, HE WAS THE MAYOR, he said proudly, come on get out here let’s fight. The younger gentlemen that was a passenger stepped out, face to face, nose to nose the big brave mayor only continue to shout, “I’m the mayor, I can have you arrested, You want me to call the cops, I’m the mayor you know, I can do that.” The younger gentleman just stood there face to face saying “Come on, go ahead.”

I was so ashamed of that man being our mayor, I stuck my head out the window and said “If you call the cops on him you better call the cops on me, because you are a disgrace to the city, and you should be ashamed.” All I got was a dirty look.

His wife started howling for him to get back in the car, but he paid no attention to her either, imagine that! Finally his wife hopped out of the vehicle and continually tried to coax him back in the vehicle, which she did succeed.

All this turned out to be was that Arby’s left a few things out of his order. Wow that happens all the time to people, the best thing to do is to park the car walk inside and say excuse me but……… I can’t even imagine what he did or say to that poor young girl at the drive thru.

I’ve been told after telling this story to a few people I know, I have come to find out he’s done this quite a few times at other places. This needs to be published for all to see and then maybe he’ll change his way or best yet he needs to be put out of that position.

Tara Hicks
Hurricane

My best friend’s sister’s boyfriend’s brother’s girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid who’s going with the girl who saw Ferris pass out at 31 Flavors last night. I guess it’s pretty serious.

25
Oct
08

paging stella liebeck!!!

I mean, COME ON.

Woman sues Starbucks; says scalding coffee, unattached lid caused disfigurement

Well, you know, I figure it’s been long enough for someone to try jackpot justice with this kind of case again. It’s been about 14 years since Stella cashed in on her 49 cent cup of coffee from McDonald’s.

There are so many problems with this girl’s story I don’t even know where to begin … but I’ll start here:

The lawsuit alleges that the 23-year-old Triplett drove to a Starbucks on Kingston Pike on July 13 and bought coffee via the store’s drive-through window. The lawsuit is silent on what Triplett ordered.

Whatever she ordered, she knew right away it was hot, the lawsuit states.

“She experienced extreme heat radiating through the cup and protective cardboard sleeve,” Isaacs wrote. “(She) balanced the extremely hot cup of coffee on her thigh with her hand on top of the cup as she pulled away from the window and negotiated a turn onto the roadway.”

Once on Kingston Pike, Triplett noticed “the lid of the coffee container was loose and not affixed properly,” the lawsuit states.

“Before Triplett could achieve a better grasp upon the cup, the lid dislodged from the cup, thereby causing scalding coffee to spill and splash onto (her) lap, right thigh and right hand,” the lawsuit states.

OK … so she says that right away she knows it’s extremely hot, but then she BALANCES THE F-ING CUP ON HER LEG and DRIVES ONTO A HIGHWAY?? They don’t make parking lots in Tennessee? It would have delayed you so much to put it in park and get that worked out before you head down the road?

I’m a klutz of the highest order, so I can understand the pain of this happening. I spill stuff all the time. I take drinks of hot stuff that are too big. I run into walls. I break things. It’s all part of being a bull in a china shop. I’ve never once thought, “Who can I sue for this?”

Gah. Well, I mean, I’ll give her credit. It’s much less offensive than the idiot in West Virginia who was allergic to cheese going to McDonald’s and then filing a $10 million suit over there being cheese on the burger. (After, of course, he took a huge bite of it in the dark without looking at it first.)

I think what’s going to happen is eventually we’re all going to be forced to wear protective suits and helmets. You laugh, but it’s coming. Living is very hazardous to your health, apparently.

24
Oct
08

epic hoax fail

Police: Campaign Volunteer Made Up Attack Story

Dear Ashley Todd,

The next time you attempt to kick your own ass and carve a letter in your face, don’t be in front of the mirror. You got the B backwards, you pig. And the next time you attempt to kick your own ass and carve a letter in your face, blame someone other than “the token black man.” Not cool, ham hock. Not cool.

Love,

America

PS: I hope you hide quickly because John McCain’s gonna be PISSED. And you’re not going to like him when he’s pissed. Your sad attempt at kicking your own ass will pale in comparison.




Like it? Subscribe!

August 2017
M T W T F S S
« Feb    
 123456
78910111213
14151617181920
21222324252627
28293031  

Top Clicks

  • None

The Stat Sheet

  • 34,524 people have read me!

On Demand

Listen to back episodes of our hit show, "Happy Hour -- The Show That Never Ends" by subscribing to the feed. New episodes every Sunday night at 9 p.m. exclusively on TalkRadioX.

Subscribe to Happy Hour -- The Show That Never Ends


Powered by FeedBurner