thanks, Mr. Metro Sneezer

Dear Man in Really Nice Suit with Leather Briefcase Who Got on the Metro Yesterday at Union Station,

I understand. You’re a busy man. I’m a busy girl, even though I don’t look it with my pale blue backpack, hippie messenger bag and iPod stuck to my head to drown out the collective sound of defeat around me. I understand that you had a lot of important paperwork to get done in your short ride to Farragut North, so I even forgave you for spreading out all over me to get this paperwork done. Chances are, you’re far more important (and make far more money) than I ever will be. Deadlines, pressures, clients. I’ve been there. I get it.

What I didn’t get? Why you didn’t cover your beak when you sneezed yesterday. Why you turned your head not toward the aisle, but toward me. Maybe it’s instinct. But I felt your germs blanket me like fog at the Golden Gate before 9 a.m.

And now, I’m paying for it. I feel disconnected. Light-headed. Throbby and achy. I’m on the cusp of a first-class sick, all because you hosed me with your own personal germ rinse. No amount of Bath and Body Works hand sanitizer was going to stop this. You, Man in Really Nice Suit with Leather Briefcase Who Got on the Metro Yesterday at Union Station, are Patient Zero. And now I’m Patient One.

I would tell you that I hope you’re paying for it as much as I am, but I can’t really afford to tempt Karma any more than I already have. I will just say I hope your office is as close to a CVS as mine is. And next time, please don’t sneeze on the person sitting beside you. It’s not cool, man.


Jacque Jo (sniff sniff … blahhhh)


7 Responses to “thanks, Mr. Metro Sneezer”

  1. September 23, 2008 at 1:29 pm

    Godub I feel your pain. My middle niece has a habit of being an incubator for all viruses,colds and funk. At her hands and her hands alone I have contracted pink eye, “the funk,” the flu, and bronchitis and she’s only 4. Her nickname is “typhoid sammy.”
    My suggestions… Mucinex, advil cold and sinus, sinex nose drops and vitamin water XXX (filled w/ zinc.) And if it gets desperately bad and all you do is cough. vics vapor rub.

  2. 2 Ann
    September 23, 2008 at 2:33 pm

    Have you seen Duplex? With Ben Stiller and Drew Barrymore? Excellent dark flick. Stiller goes out of his way to grab a cold on the subway one morning. I read this and pictured it.
    Hope you feel better 🙂

  3. September 23, 2008 at 3:30 pm

    I can feel your pain somewhat, GoDub. I’ve been fighting a cold for over a week now, but I have no idea where I got it. It would be easy to blame this on the business trip I did last week to San Jose, CA, but I think my throat might have been scratchy before that. So I don’t know who my Patient Zero is… But doctors say that not only is hand sanitizer no better at fighting germs than simply washing your hands properly with ordinary soap and water, the widespread use of antibacterial products actually encourages the spread of stronger bacteria that are immune to antibiotics (since they’ve been exposed to them much). So I always encourage to avoid contributing to the Superbug cause (like the next MRSA microbe)


  4. September 25, 2008 at 1:06 am

    isn’t this a bud light radio commercial? “so here’s to you, subterranean vehicle viral vigilante …”

  5. September 25, 2008 at 2:39 am

    It’s amazing how the rules of polite society we once took for granted have fallen by the wayside.

    No more unlocked mailboxes.

    No more letting people merge ahead of you in traffic.

    No more being able to get up on the train/bus/ferry/plane to use the restroom with complete confidence that everything you left behind will still be there.

    No more assuming that “friend” you lent $50 will repay it in a timely fashion — and not try to make you feel like a wet turd when you remind him/her.

    No more assuming the people with whom you’re in exclusive relationships will be faithful to you.

    No more feeling safe parking your vehicle on a city street.

    And no more assuming that people will cover their mouths/nose when they cough/sneeze.

    There’s a Hold Steady song in there somewhere.

  6. September 25, 2008 at 2:55 pm

    I have a “friend” in Orlando to whom I lent more than $50 — an order of magnitude more. He acted like it would be a matter of days or weeks before he paid me back. Two and a half years later, all I’ve received so far is $20. I learned a very valuable — and expensive — lesson from this: never lend a friend any more than you’re comfortable never seeing again…


  7. September 25, 2008 at 9:31 pm

    I’m w/ TW on this. I lent a boyfriend $500.00- when I myself was unemployed. I knew I would never see it again, but figured if this is what it would take for me to see his flawed character and make a clean break, then it was money well spent…

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