Dear Guy Behind the Counter at Organic to Go at McPherson Square,
I realize that my box of vegetable-laden salad I just purchased weighed 1.3 pounds when you put it on the scale. By some standards, that would make me “a pig,” but in this case, I don’t think getting in more than the required daily servings of healthful, organic vegetables falls under that label. However, your muttering of “whoa!” when you saw what said healthful, organic, vegetable-laden salad weighed was more than enough to kick my self-esteem down another couple of notches and let me know that you, sir, believe that I spend my nights holed up in my closet sneak eating Ho Hos while crying and writing in my journal. This simply isn’t true.
(I mean, I do eat Ho Hos, but usually on the couch in front of everybody.)
Thanks for making me feel like Manuel Uribe. I can only hope that in a couple of more months, they’ll forklift me out of the house and put me on a flatbed truck to see what the neighborhood looks like.