11
Jul
08

I’ll take, “Men I’ve likely dated” for $500, Alex

I’d first like to thank Paige for sending this along to me last night with a subject line I won’t be repeating but confirming that yes, it’s likely true.

The headline on this story really knocks it outta the park, as far as I’m concerned.

Naked Barbie Doll, Porn Display Get Man Arrested

(I especially enjoy the subhead — “Porn In Car Because He Is Moving, Man Says” — for entirely separate reasons.)

Foxy!

Foxy!

But at any rate, meet Robert Martin. He’s a guy who likely buys his own drinks at the bar and buys drinks for girls who don’t intend to get within 30 feet of him. I would say “lives in Mom’s basement” but I couldn’t see any evidence, really, to point me in that direction.

But it brings up a point that I’ve argued before … I always framed it in terms of the minivans with DVD players. If you were driving down the interstate watching porn on your minivan DVD player, was that illegal? I know people have gotten nailed for it (nailed! I kill me!!) but I think a good lawyer could get you off. (Oh!! HEY-O! Again! DING!) I never really thought it was illegal ’cause, hey, it’s your van and you’re really going too fast down the interstate for it to be a huge public showing, right?

I guess on some levels, this is something upon which Robert Martin and I can agree.

“I didn’t think that possessing porn inside your car, in the back seat, was a public display,” Robert Martin said. “It was not on public display, it was not a public shrine.”

Martin admits the car and the porn belong to him.

“It was majorly way overblown,” he said.

I think, if I read correctly, ‘Overblown’ was one of the DVDs in question in his car.

(OH! SNAP! I KILL ME! AGAIN!!)

Our hero continues:

“I didn’t fathom the depth of having something like that in your car could be considered public view,” Martin said. “The only way anyone would have known anything was in there was for somebody to walk up and look in that car.”

Martin said he had the explicit material in the car because he’s in the process of moving to a new apartment. The porn is now in the hands of state police as evidence.

“The only regret I do have is probably having the Barbie doll up on the dash board. Being topless, maybe that drew some attention,” Martin said.

Three things that make those paragraphs worth it:

1. It’s in the car ’cause I’m moving. (What? You couldn’t go to the Safeway and get a non-descript cardboard box?)
2. “The porn is now in the hands of state police as evidence.” (That’s just some unfortunate wording right there … what an easy play. And who would have known ‘Gas Station Sluts Vol. 16’ would ever be considered “evidence.”)
3. “The only regret I do have is probably having the Barbie doll up on the dash board.” (Note that there’s no regret for HAVING the Barbie. Just leaving the Barbie in a conspicuous place.)

I mean, even looking at his picture, it’s clear that he’s a McNugget short of a Happy Meal, so maybe locked up somewhere safe would be a good idea, especially after they found a homemade shank in the car. (It’s to pop the tapes out of the tape deck, he says. Or the liver out of a girl he’s taking out on a date, either or, who am I to judge?)

Just creepy. *shudder*

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3 Responses to “I’ll take, “Men I’ve likely dated” for $500, Alex”


  1. 1 Economic Friction
    July 11, 2008 at 2:58 pm

    This was the road to ruin for former Big East Freshman of the Year Eddie Griffin. Porn in the car is a gateway drug, in some respects.

    http://withleather.uproxx.com/post.phtml?pk=3682

  2. July 11, 2008 at 3:06 pm

    OH! I remember that! That’s right!! That was a real bonehead move.

    OHHH! AGAIN!

    Sad.

    If only I could stop laughing.

  3. 3 Pat
    July 12, 2008 at 4:44 pm

    Interesting. I hope you’re not running into these kinds of people in your new job! One big story in Manchester last year was this drunk, homeless guy who dressed up like a tree and tried to rob the Citizens Bank on Elm Street. He literally took branches and leaves from trees and duct taped them to himself. Priceless.

    Hope things are going well!


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