10
Jul
08

J. Tapdancing. C.

Just when I’m pretty sure I’m not able to be amazed any more by stupid redneck tricks, my friend Dean sent me this story:

Couple weds at the place they first met: Hickory Point pump 14

I’m not even sure where to begin … First, this story’s about a week old, so I hope your honeymoon — likely to Redneck Vegas (that’s Gatlinburg, Tenn., for you home-gamers) — went swimmingly and you enjoyed your visit to Dollywood.

Alrighty, now that all celebratory kudos are out of the way, on we go …

Just after 11 p.m. every night, Barry would stop at the station on his way home from work. For two months they flirted. Then one night, Barry came back to the station, and at pump 14 he asked Tammy on their first date.

“I knew there was something special about him that day, the first day I seen him,” she said.

… Ooooh! The anticipation! Flirted for TWO MONTHS?! Like how? “Hey, sweet thang, I do like that smock you’re wearing” and “You smell like a chicken processing plant”? Or, “How ’bout you, me, a sixer of Keystone and my El Camino go down to the levee”?

About 25 people attended the 15-minute ceremony. The bride carried a bouquet made from a gas nozzle. She wore baby blue jeans, a white shirt and white sandals. The groom wore blue jeans and a plaid shirt. Following the ceremony, the Pattersons celebrated at a neighbor’s cook-out.

A bouquet … made … from a gas nozzle.

Yes, that noise was my head hitting my desk.

You know, really, all I can think of at this point is, “Thank you Baby Jesus for making this happen in South Carolina and not West Virginia.” I’m truly at a loss. You want to get married at a place that, at least, for me, feels like nose rape every time I pull a car up to a gas pump. I don’t get it. Sure, I get that every couple has their special places — the place you met, the place you decided to be a couple, the place you had your first date, etc. (Except for me — true story: B and I have never really been on an actual date. Not in the “getting to know you over expensive food and awkward conversation” sense. We’re sickly proud of that fact.)

If I ever get married again, and I’m definitely not in any hurry, I think I’ll get married at Three Mile Island in Pennsylvania. After all, it was the site of one fantastic disaster. May as well make another one happen there.

(Cue the rimshot!)

Can anybody top this … Or is it taking gold in the Redneck Olympics?

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12 Responses to “J. Tapdancing. C.”


  1. 1 Joe
    July 10, 2008 at 3:15 pm

    I give it two months . . .

  2. July 10, 2008 at 3:34 pm

    Fights that start at the bottom of a bottle of Old Crow never end well …

  3. 3 Economic Friction
    July 10, 2008 at 5:27 pm

    I recommend booking a wedding post-game space at the Holocaust Museum, and even went so far as to inquire about price for a friend of mine whose marriage I consider a disaster. Yes, you CAN rent a room at the Holocaust Museum. Not sure of the alcohol policy.

  4. July 10, 2008 at 5:33 pm

    I wasn’t sure how you could top Three Mile Island, but you win.

    I don’t imagine the alcohol policy is very festive, but … you’ve given me an idea.

    Oh, and I’m sorry I haven’t written back to your last e-mail. I’m a loser. I have much, much to update you on with my Dad’s condition.

  5. 5 Paige
    July 10, 2008 at 6:21 pm

    I think they’d be cool with alcohol, so long as it’s Manichewitz.

  6. 6 Ann
    July 10, 2008 at 9:48 pm

    As a kid who grew up surrounded by poor grammar but two well-educated parents who constantly corrected her, my favorite part is “the first day I seen him.”
    siiiiiiiigh.

  7. July 11, 2008 at 9:05 am

    Paige: DING!! DING!! DING!!

    Ann: God, I know. It hurt me on the inside. And I grew up with it, too. My Dad sometimes slips into that but Pat cracks you hard. Sigh.

  8. July 11, 2008 at 9:36 am

    I can’t tell from the picture whether or not the groom wore a mullet. After all, he seems like the kind of guy who’d be party on the back and business up front…

    TW

  9. July 11, 2008 at 9:37 am

    Yeah, you can’t see for sure but if I’m placing Vegas odds on whether this guy’s got a Kentucky waterfall, I’m leaning toward, “You betcha.”

  10. July 11, 2008 at 3:28 pm

    Never heard “Kentucky Waterfall” but I like it. I’ll have to mention that to my friend from KY 🙂

    “You betcha”, on the other hand, reminds me of Minnesota, where I just visited for the first time last week

    TW

  11. 11 Another Paige
    September 18, 2008 at 5:00 am

    I know a couple that got married in a pharmacy… They were there getting Xanaxes anyway, why not go ahead and get hitched. Luckily the pharmacist was an ordained minister. Now that’s one stop shopping.
    Seriously… I couldn’t make this shit up.


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