“But, Jacque … What are ‘truck nutz,’?” you ask.
These fucking things.
NOW you know you’ve seen them. That’s right. Any critter with a pickup truck (likely in a southern state) has these plastic beauties hanging from their truck hitch.
Right, because the gun rack and “Fear This” and the sticker of Calvin oh-so-impishly peeing on the number 8 wasn’t enough to tip me off that you’re retarded.
(*Updated at 12:55 p.m.: OK, OK … You’re right. It’s not just a southern thing. It’s an everywhere thing. The staff (read: me!!) of “On air. Online. On demand.” apologizes for any sweeping generalizations in either this post or the comments section. Not all southerners listen to country music, have accents or own Confederate flag apparel either. Also, it should be noted that several locations in New Jersey and Long Island are fond of the ‘Calvin peeing on various logos stickers.’ Jeeeeez! My bad. Someone took her ‘elitist’ pill today …)
Turns out I’m truly not the only person in the world who hates these.
Thank God for Florida. (And permalink this post — it may be the only time I ever utter those four words.)
“But, Jacque … Aren’t you being a bit of a Yankee elitist bitch?” you ask.
Possibly. Then again, I’ve got the good common sense to NOT adorn my vehicle with metallic or rubber testicles.
“But, Jacque … You’re a libertarian. Shouldn’t you be alarmed that the government is imposing criminal penalties on the freedom of expression?” you ask.
Yeah, a little. I mean, I think it’s a bit much. In fact, I agree with this guy totally:
“I find it shocking we’d tell people with metallic testicles on their bumpers that this is a violation,” said Sen. Steve Geller, D-Hallandale. “There’s got to be better things for us to spend time debating.”
Chances are, Florida has MUCH bigger problems than idiot rednecks who get a chuckle out of displaying dangling testicles on their truck and putting posted photos of them on their MySpace pages. But maybe it goes back to my whole desire to fine people for stupidity so that maybe — just maybe — people won’t be stupid anymore.
I buy a lot of useless crap. Stuff that I just plain don’t need, even. Like my battery operated lava lamp. A self-stirring coffee mug. A DVD of the director’s cut of “Fatal Attraction.”
If the government fined me for that, I’d be pissed. I’d also be broke. But stick with me, here …
None of those dangle in the wind on the interstate.
Look, if there’s ever a time down the road that I reproduce, the last thing I want is to try to have some meaningful discussion with my 7-year-old boy about what those things are hanging off that truck in front of us as we sit in traffic. I don’t want to scare him into trying to understand that the world is just full of stupid people who think things like that are, well, “I don’t care who you are … that’s funny.”
So, even though I kind of have issues with it, thank you, Florida. Thank you for taking a stand.
Now, let’s talk about your harboring of old people …