Things I hate No. 324

Truck Nutz.

“But, Jacque … What are ‘truck nutz,’?” you ask.

These fucking things.


NOW you know you’ve seen them. That’s right. Any critter with a pickup truck (likely in a southern state) has these plastic beauties hanging from their truck hitch.

Right, because the gun rack and “Fear This” and the sticker of Calvin oh-so-impishly peeing on the number 8 wasn’t enough to tip me off that you’re retarded.

(*Updated at 12:55 p.m.: OK, OK … You’re right. It’s not just a southern thing. It’s an everywhere thing. The staff (read: me!!) of “On air. Online. On demand.” apologizes for any sweeping generalizations in either this post or the comments section. Not all southerners listen to country music, have accents or own Confederate flag apparel either. Also, it should be noted that several locations in New Jersey and Long Island are fond of the ‘Calvin peeing on various logos stickers.’ Jeeeeez! My bad. Someone took her ‘elitist’ pill today …)

Turns out I’m truly not the only person in the world who hates these.

Thank God for Florida. (And permalink this post — it may be the only time I ever utter those four words.)

Florida to Fine People With Truck Nutz

“But, Jacque … Aren’t you being a bit of a Yankee elitist bitch?” you ask.

Possibly. Then again, I’ve got the good common sense to NOT adorn my vehicle with metallic or rubber testicles.

“But, Jacque … You’re a libertarian. Shouldn’t you be alarmed that the government is imposing criminal penalties on the freedom of expression?” you ask.

Yeah, a little. I mean, I think it’s a bit much. In fact, I agree with this guy totally:

“I find it shocking we’d tell people with metallic testicles on their bumpers that this is a violation,” said Sen. Steve Geller, D-Hallandale. “There’s got to be better things for us to spend time debating.”

Chances are, Florida has MUCH bigger problems than idiot rednecks who get a chuckle out of displaying dangling testicles on their truck and putting posted photos of them on their MySpace pages. But maybe it goes back to my whole desire to fine people for stupidity so that maybe — just maybe — people won’t be stupid anymore.

I buy a lot of useless crap. Stuff that I just plain don’t need, even. Like my battery operated lava lamp. A self-stirring coffee mug. A DVD of the director’s cut of “Fatal Attraction.”

If the government fined me for that, I’d be pissed. I’d also be broke. But stick with me, here …

None of those dangle in the wind on the interstate.

Look, if there’s ever a time down the road that I reproduce, the last thing I want is to try to have some meaningful discussion with my 7-year-old boy about what those things are hanging off that truck in front of us as we sit in traffic. I don’t want to scare him into trying to understand that the world is just full of stupid people who think things like that are, well, “I don’t care who you are … that’s funny.”

So, even though I kind of have issues with it, thank you, Florida. Thank you for taking a stand.

Now, let’s talk about your harboring of old people …


21 Responses to “Things I hate No. 324”

  1. 1 mklasing
    April 18, 2008 at 11:37 am

    Now let’s not gratuitously slam the South. I’m with you–I hate these things–if they were attractive parts of anatomy we men would have bathing suits that look like bikinis to show them off a little–but we don’t.

    However—I live in Houston and the first time I saw these was when I was behind a pickup truck in Seattle, WA. So the North in not immune. 😉

  2. April 18, 2008 at 11:40 am

    You’re right … I shouldn’t malign an entire group of people. I mean, my boyfriend is from Nashville and he’s got NOT A TRACE of Southern in him! No accent. No proclivity for country music. No Confederate flag apparel.

    People from the north can suffer the same total lapse in judgment! Thanks for pointing it out!

    And thank you for the laugh … You’re so right. Dangling sacks are just NOT attractive. 🙂

  3. 3 Joe
    April 18, 2008 at 11:53 am

    I hate to say this, but they are in RI too. I was behind a truck with brass (colored) ones the other day. I’m all for gratuitously slamming the South, but I don’t think they hold a monopoly on limited higher brain function. If I hear “Git er done!” one more time, I’m gonna hurt somebody.

    BTW, it’s Calvin pissing on the Yankee logo up here.

  4. April 18, 2008 at 11:55 am

    I do feel like maybe I should amend this post to remove the reference to southerners. I mean, technically, I am one.

    You wouldn’t ever know it … but I am.

    Good points, all. I shall amend.

  5. 5 lifeisacookie
    April 18, 2008 at 1:55 pm

    So many people find them distasteful that Florida is just the lastest state to try and fine people for having them — yay
    And to those offended by Southernism — don’t read my post here:

    **I was raised in rural Alabama (the fam is all still there) and live in the Sunshine State — I can take aim at all the Southern I want.

  6. 6 Paige
    April 18, 2008 at 2:04 pm

    I rather like the camo ones.

    After all, you wouldn’t want the deer to spot your dorbles while you’re busy setting up your tree stand.

  7. 7 Paige
    April 18, 2008 at 2:06 pm

    Also, I now know what to get your for Christmas.

  8. April 18, 2008 at 2:06 pm

    I just spit diet Mountain Dew everywhere at the word “dorbles.”


    Thank you for making work NOT suck.

  9. April 18, 2008 at 2:08 pm

    If you could please get me the blue ones, so I could make all of the rather tired “blue balls” jokes available, that would be HOT.

  10. April 18, 2008 at 3:13 pm

    So if you get the camo ones…will you avoid the fine?

    Stickin’ it to the man. Oh wait this isn’t the best post to say that.

  11. April 18, 2008 at 3:19 pm

    The camo balls just look diseased … but it’s possible. Would it be kind of like putting foil on your hubcaps so the police radar can’t get you?

  12. 12 How You Doin Blondie
    April 19, 2008 at 2:24 pm

    I’ll preface this story by saying that I read your post on truck nuts yesterday, after I heard glowing reviews of your writing from a mutual friend 🙂 That having been said:

    I was running some errands this morning when I saw parked on the side of the road a dung-colored Chevrolet pick-up truck with (dramatic pause), flesh colored truck nuts.

    I would have very seriously considered pulling up behind the truck and snapping a picture of it for your illustrious collection were it not for two things:

    1.) My digital camera was crammed somewhere in the bottom of my enormous shoulder bag and
    2.) Getting behind the truck would have required executing a U-Turn across 2 lanes of moving Yankee traffic and cutting through a funeral procession.

    But it’s the thought that counts 😉

  13. April 19, 2008 at 3:52 pm

    Your thought is much appreciated. 🙂 That’s awesome!!!

  14. April 19, 2008 at 10:38 pm

    These things crack me up! Glad to know how to get them now!

  15. April 20, 2008 at 8:15 am

    I just can’t … in good conscience … put these on display.

  16. 16 Shannon
    April 21, 2008 at 6:23 am

    I don’t like these things. I think they’re disgusting. You have to wonder about the type of individual who things it’s funny or enjoyable to place these things on their trucks.

    (Glad to see the Todd has made his way to commenting on this blog.)

  17. April 21, 2008 at 8:56 am

    I really just don’t understand how someone could look at them and say, “You know what? I think dangling artificial testicles on my truck would be hilarious.”


    Yes, welcome Todd! Welcome to all the new posters. I hope you stick around! 🙂

  18. 18 Joe
    April 21, 2008 at 2:38 pm

    Maybe you could launch an artifical ovaries line . ..

  19. April 22, 2008 at 8:18 pm

    I haven’t seen any of these ‘truck nutz’ in New Hampshire, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t around. I have seen Calvin pissing on both the Yankees and Red Sox logos though. Mostly the Yankees logo.

    And the director’s cut of Fatal Attraction??? You’re making my purchase of Alexander look not that bad.

  20. 20 Angela
    April 25, 2008 at 3:32 pm

    Wow. That’s all I have to say about that.

  21. 21 Tonya
    April 26, 2008 at 7:53 am

    Hello Jacque!!! I just wanted to let you know that there is a truck here in town that has homemade truck nuts…that’s right, homemade. It is like pantyhoses with golf balls in it! Crazy stuff! I had to do a double take! I laughed till I cried, because I could not believe that someone would do this!

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